"Fly fishing is my passion, hunting is my weakness, and mules are a perplexing addiction."

Sunday, April 4, 2010


       Well, it’s that time of the month again; where the words are flowing heavily and I feel the need to rant a little about one thing or another that annoys me. Unfortunately, you the reader are in the line-of-fire, so here is your disclaimer: You may wish to cover your eyes or leave the room because someone, somewhere is about to have their feelings bruised like a peach.
       While those who know me know exactly where I stand on a number of issues, I generally avoid discussing politics in my ramblings. There is a very good reason for this; I’d like to sell my books. Were I to share my political incorrectness with all, I’m pretty certain I would alienate just about half of my readers. That would be the half sitting on the other side of the fence as me, those enduring souls enjoying their change and eagerly awaiting a stimulus package of some sort to arrive in the mail any day now. (Shhh, I have it on good authority Santa is delivering it.)
       At any rate, those sitting on the other end of Washington’s political teeter-totter, opposite the Changers, shouldn’t breathe a sigh of relief either, because they too have been about as disappointing as wet gunpowder. The fact is, and this is simply my take on the subject, the system is broken, pure, plain, and simple, with neither side having the ability to sit down and come to any agreement. Both sides seem to be as full of wind as a bull in a corn patch. And if we’re honest, the truth of the matter is the system isn’t broken, it’s as firm as the Rocky Mountains. It’s We the People who are to blame for allowing things to have gotten this far. Now let me tell you how I really feel.
       I believe in our Constitution and the Bill of Rights and I see both sides trampling on and ignoring these sacred documents, and it disturbs me greatly. Actually, it makes me madder than an Amish electrician.
I know the definition of “illegal”. Our lawmakers should look it up sometime; it’s in Webster’s. I don’t believe I’m causing Global Warming, and as sure as O.J. did it, Al Gore is a self-serving, hypocrite, who’s as full of crap as a Christmas goose. I guess he isn’t all bad though; he did invent the internet. I believe I have the right to own a firearm or twenty, although my wife feels one or two is more than enough to defend myself from one of those Hare Krishna types at the airport, a marauding covey of flushed quail, or that 5x5 buck.
       At any rate, it is for these and a hundred other reasons I took a keen interest in the Tea Party movement early last year. I liked what I heard, I realized I wasn’t the only crazy feeling angry, and in an effort to vent my frustration with the current business as usual routine carried on by our career politicians who are making a fat living on my dime, I joined. But the real reason for this little rant is that recently something has stirred my ire and I feel it needs to be addressed.
       In April of 2009, Janet Napolitano, Director of Homeland Security commented on domestic terrorists. Among those on her list were Animal Rights Activists, African Americans, Christians, and Jews. She went on to include Environmentalists, Patriots, Right-Wingers, Left-Wingers, and Pro-Life Groups. Rounding out the list were Veterans, Supporters of Gun Rights, and wouldn’t you know it, those pesky Participants of Tea Parties.
       Well, I think that just about covers it; everybody in America is a potential domestic terrorist according to Janet and the Homeland Security, and I have this sinking feeling I’m listed more than once on her list of home-grown combatants since I was in the military, I am a Christian (regardless of what my Catholic ex-wife claims), I am a member of the NRA, I consider myself a American Patriot, and lastly, there is that troublesome Tea Party affiliation. The fact that Janet has lumped me in with Enviro-meddlers is an annoyance that breeds profanity and a highly uncalled for slap-in-the-face.
       At any rate, here’s what bothers me most about this whole thing. A few weeks ago I received a census form in the mail. The census form comes from the government. Since I am labeled a domestic terrorist on at least one of those lists Janet so carefully reported on, I have to believe the FBI, CIA, DEA, and any other three-lettered government entity by now has a dossier on me with more information than you can collect during a day at the local beauty parlor.
       I’m certain that by now, the government has been in secret meetings with my third grade teacher, the evil Ms Ridenhour, and are aware of my poor penmanship, failing math grades, and habitual tardiness. They have no doubt discovered my attention deficit disorder, the extra padding I wore when Principal Oger welcomed me to his office on swat day, and they have no doubt finally put the pieces together and determined it was me who put the eggs in the emergency fire hose in the hallway so that summer school would let out early from a mysterious foul smell. All that being said, my question is why the heck do I have to fill this darned census thing out? Shouldn’t the government already have all this information on me, and more?
       The census folks want to know my race, and I am puzzled? The good folks at the census wish to know if I am Black, African American, or Negro? Am I Asian, or Pacific Islander? When they ask if I am Hispanic, Latino, or Spanish, I have to believe there has been an oversight. Aren’t they missing a large group by not counting the Italians and Poles, the Irish or Scots? And it seems to me they are slighting those of German descent as well. It’s okay excluding the French, they don’t count. I may have missed somebody, but I guess what puzzles me most of all, is that I was under the impression this was America, the land where race doesn't matter, along with creed, color and sexual preferences? So why are they asking?
       Why is it that Boot Barn has a record of a pair of Justin Ropers I bought from them over twenty years ago, but the Census people want my phone number? It’s in the book. Don’t you folks back there in DC have a computer? And while we’re at it, why do they need to GPS the location of my front door?
       I’m fairly certain my name, birth date, and just about anything else they could possibly wish to know about me is listed in my social security file. At least it is on every one of those annual reports the Social Security Administration sends me telling me how much of my money I’m not going to get. And why must I fill out the same stuff for my driver’s license, the loan for my house, pick-up truck, or health insurance (which the government now has a vested interest in)? And what about the loan I once got from the Farm Administration to buy some Brangus cows and a bull?
       Why is it that Best Buy, Radio Shack, REI, and Bass Pro all have this information about me, but the census people want me to fill it out again? Wouldn’t a reasonable person believe all they had to do was ask one of the other agencies for this stuff, or since I’m so dangerous, check out my file readily available online from one of the other government agencies?
       I’ve had enough of the Keystone Bureaucrats. Somebody back there in DC needs to jot this stuff down and stick it on the refrigerator where it’s handy because I’m tired of filling out the same info on every form. Oh, wait a minute, now I remember why the Tea Party caught my attention!